In Pursuit of my Personal Legend



Saturday, January 15, 2011

A Rob Thomas collection: Her Diamonds

This song got me through the shock of having my own place. I realized at that moment I was truly on my own. The first couple of weeks when the place was empty except for boxes everywhere my heart was in total shock. All I can do was unpack to keep me from thinking. I filled my mind with thoughts of where to put things rather than the feeling of isolation.

Digging deeper it wasn’t the feelings of being isolated in terms of my own place that got me. It was the events that plunged me deeper into fear and bit by bit anger. It was the recurring theme of sudden changes over a course of a few months that got to me. I was in one place before I got really settled or when I was starting to call it home - I was whisked away to another. Each time I felt lonelier than ever.

Besides rummaging through boxes of things to tune my mind out of these thoughts I tuned my mind to music. I blasted Easy Rock like no body's business. One of those Easy Rock Blasters was Rob Thomas' "Her Diamonds". This one shone above all other songs in that moment in my life.

Like the previous song people believed this song was about his wife and her illness. To me the lady in the song was me. I had enough of situations after situations that broke me more each time. "Oh, what the hell, she says, I just can't win for losing /And she lays back down /Man there's so many times I don't know what I'm doing/Like I don't know now" I felt like I was losing  this battle called life. Again I felt like I absolutely had no idea what I was doing. Though externally I was moving on, inside I was like the lady in the song sitting there and crying her 'diamonds' out. I felt like I was losing the battle to keep myself intact for life.

"By the light of the moon she rubs her eyes/ Says it's funny how the night can make you blind/Well, I can just imagine/ And I don't know what I'm supposed to do/ But if she feels bad then I do too/So I let her be" Ironic how the darkness seems to blind you when it's suppose to be blinding light. In the feeling of being plunged into dimness, not knowing where I'm going to end up in the near future - everything - reality and hope were in some far unreachable place that I could not see. The part about him not knowing what to do so he just "let her be", to me was like how people all around me were helpless to do anything. They couldn't reach my core and what I was really going through.

"She sits down and stares into the distance/And it takes all night". I felt that all I could do in my "night" was just "stare into the distance" of the past and future, mainly the past, asking myself, over and over about the small moments that brought me to this present moment. My mind was playing over the whys, hows , the could'ves and the should'ves. This staring, this analyzing takes a long time - it still continues till this day.

"By the light of the moon she rubs her eyes /Sits down on the bed and starts to cry/And there's something less about her /And I don't know what I'm supposed to do/So I sit down and I cry too/But don't let her see" These last parts I must bring Jesus into it. Everything counts on Him alone. The last hours of the day are the most intimate for me. I sit on my bed and it's my time with God. "There's something less about her". Just knowing that there is something bigger makes me fill more significant. Knowing that Christ no matter how less my tears are - to Him it's important. Every silly tear that is shed over mundane things He cries it with me. Whether He is crying with me or for me isn’t important. The sharing the unity that that motion brings is important and I am forever grateful to it.

Still some of my diamonds are shed each time bringing me to the person I dream of becoming. Something that I've realized now that never occurred to me 18 months ago is that having the apartment is a dream come true. I've always wanted a place to call my own. At that time I felt like I was being scattered, left alone to fend myself. Never - although I was grateful for it- had it dawned on me that it's a dream that has come true. For me if God grants I will stay here until I'm ready to move into a different city, province or country. Simplicity is always the way to go for me. So the tears I shed were truly diamonds to shape me into a cherished jewel coming from a line of "royal priesthood" a "city on a hill", nothing less- but always something more. For always "less is more" the "last will be first" and the "least becomes the greatest".


white rose, inspirational ecards, rose month cards

So here it is. Thanks again God for a gift like Rob Thomas.

Oh what the hell she says
I just can't win for losing
And she lays back down
Man there's so many times
I don't know what I'm doin
Like I don't know now

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Says it's funny how the night
Can make you blind
I can just imagine
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
But if she feels bad then i do too
So I let her be

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She's down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

She sits down and stares into the distance
And it takes all night
And i know i could break her concentration
But it don't feel right

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry
And there's something less about her
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
So I sit down and I cry too                                          
But don't let her see

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor                  
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She's down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down



She shuts out the night
Tries to close her eyes
If she can find daylight
She'll be alright
She'll be alright
Just not tonight

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She's down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She's down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down



Courtesy of http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Her-Diamonds-lyrics-Rob-Thomas/94293209857F29B4482575AF002128A3 for lyrics
http://www.artjewelryforum.org/blog/2010/02/22/diamonds-are-forever/ for the diamond pic
http://www.meme4u.com/ecards/celebrate_the_date/rose_month/card_1466.htm for the roses and thorns pic and writing

A Rob Thomas Collection: Mockingbird

This song's title keeps reminding me of Harper Lee's "To Kill a Mockingbird" the mockingbird represents people. A mocking bird "is a harmless bird that makes the world a pleasant place".

Looking at the definitions online about Rob Thomas it seems that the song is about his wife, her illness and the inability to have children. And maybe the mocking bird represents a child that they cannot have. "Still that mockingbird won't sing".

The acoustic of this song hit to the core. Again with Rob Thomas it seems like he discovered one of the many meanings of life.

To me it represents some type of internal situation that won't work. It's like wanting to connect with someone -anyone - in a deeper level. But it won't happen. That mockingbird of a person won't sing my song. It's a goal that won't happen- trying to meet a financial stability, to be in social justice, so that many tears won't be shed due to a human basic need. That mockingbird of justice just won't sing. And I look around me and see all those smiles "Everybody else is smiling and their smiles won't fade . . . and (I) don't think that way" and I just can't smile at what they are smiling because my mockingbirds won't sing.

The part about "leading you through this broken promise land" to me I put it on Christ. He will lead me there. Broken hearted, tired and still clinging to the hope that the mockingbird(s) will sing someday. As for being "lost somewhere" we are all lost in some way or form. Even the best of us. One of our goals is that as we journey we will find what we are looking for. We will be out of some wood and find the answers gradually.






Here we stand
somewhere in between this moment and the end
will we bend?
or will we open up and take this whole thing in?
everybody else is smiling and their smiles don't fade
and you don't even wonder why you just don't think that way

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere, we can't move on we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough, well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love

Take my hand
and I will lead you through the broken promise land
yes I can, ah yes I can
I can be there when you need it, I'll give it all till you can't feel it anymore
I don't wanna love you now, if you'll just leave someday
I don't wanna turn around, if you'll just walk away

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere, we can't move on we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough, well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere, we can't move on we can't stay here
well maybe we've just had enough, well maybe we aint meant for this love
you and me tried everything
but still that mocking bird wont sing
well man this life seems hard enough
well maybe we aint meant for this love

Maybe we aint meant for this love
Maybe we aint meant for this love
Lyrics meanings and lyrics courtesy of http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858783156/  and http://www.shmoop.com/to-kill-a-mockingbird/symbolism-imagery.html about Harper Lee's book.
Picture of the mockingbird  http://duncraft.atom5.com/files/mockingbird.jpg

A Rob Thomas collection: Little Wonders

You will notice from time to time I will have verses of songs, snippets of poems, and writings from the Bible.
Here is one of my favourite artist. His songs hit me to the core. They leave me feeling like I'm more wiser - more sensitive to the meaning of life.

So here is Little Wonders sung by Rob Thomas written by the artist himself. (BRAVO)
(From the Meet the Robinsons soundtrack an inspiring Walt Disney movie)

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain


let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we’ll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

courtesy of http://www.absolutelyrics.com/lyrics/view/rob_thomas/little_wonders/ for lyrics
and http://www.mouseplanet.com/6651/Disneyland_Park_Update for picture of movie

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

This Christmas

It was one of the most emotionally draining Christmases ever that till today it still leaves me panting for air. But spiritually it was the most enriching loving Christmas ever. As I got more into the "Stations of the Nativity" by Raymond Chapman, which I had picked up last Christmas - Love brought more insight. Watching the latest "Nativity Story" brought more light too.


The movie told the truth that Joseph and Mary were outcasts, Mary for having a child that was not Joseph's and Joseph for not stoning her. This to me is almost like a foreshadowing of Christ’s meeting with Magadalene. God forever takes me off guard. And I thought besides the Cross His reaching out was made strong in the Writings of the Sand (which is a post I will write about in the near future), but surprise surprise there is more passion than we can never imagine in this God. So I'll start going through the Stations that will always stay in my heart.

Zechariah - This station sat the stage. God's timing is perfect. Things happen for a reason. Elizabeth was the right mother for John and who knows maybe the right listening ear for Mary through that hard time. Watching "The Nativity" a window of understanding opened to me about the quality of Good in God, and that our idea of good and perfect, no matter how pure is totally different from God's. Good to us means everything goes perfectly the way we want it. When God said all is good, it meant things worked together - are in unison. Nature, God's creation is good. Nature like everything is interconnected. All is a domino effect of some sort. Seeing all the events leading to and after Christ's birth - I paid attention to the fact that the Father was guiding Mary and Joseph all along. I noticed that everything happened for a reason and all those events no matter how crazy and how dangerous God steered it to good.  All along when the Father and the Spirit guided the Holy Family through Bethlehem then to Egypt, all they encountered happened because of love for them and us.




Stations along the manger (Christ's Birth, Shepherds and Magi) - This brought a deeper awareness of the Person of Christ. Being born in a lowly place meant that Christ was not going to be exempt from the human drama. No, Christ, the moment He took His first breath was going to experience the human pain of being poor and an outcast. The visiting of the shepherds confirmed His message was for the poor. The visiting of the magi not only served to let us know Christ is a King and born for kings, but how science and magic did not have the answers and creation was waiting for this time. These wise men saw His star way before He was conceived by the Spirit. Magic and science pointed to Him. All I can say here is WOW.

Stations of the Flight into Egypt and Massacre of the Innocents- Here the theme of all things work for good, and have a purpose when founded in Christ, is imminent. Christ's life was being pursued. So where of all places does God lead His Son? To Egypt. He relives the journey of His people. Through Raymond Chapman I learnt that this journey to Egypt is not just a journey to reach out to the Israelites. This journey that the Holy Family took was to also experience what many daily experience - the flight to other lands because home is no longer safe. Tears fill my eyes when I realize that Christ too experienced what my family and I had, running from one border line to another in the middle of the night . . . Yes God takes my breath away. It makes me bite my tongue every time I want to say to God "that's hard Lord you don't understand . . ."

I was glad that this Christmas I took it easy on the parties and gift giving. I cut out that stress and still had a lot of weight to carry. But through it all I felt secure. Also, though not as strong as I wanted - I felt joy. Something that a bible teacher had once told me and I had just kind pushed under the rug, the fact that joy and happiness are similar but not the same suddenly became apparent.

Many people seek out happiness. I didn't have a problem with that before. To me as long as they didn't seek it through means of wealth and abuse then I was okay with it. Then all of a sudden it started to sound strange to my ears. People talking about being a better person or loving more to become happy. My questions were: If you reach becoming a better teacher per say you are happy, but then won't you look for something else to make you happier? What if loving your son better makes you happy but other things in your life don't? Doesn't that mean you haven't really reached the point of happiness? Happiness will differ from time to time and from person to person. But what humanity is really seeking for is solid joy, joy that comes down from the heart. Joy, that together with peace sets one for life regardless of conditions and the person. There will be times when it's hard to fill that peace and joy, all that means is that we must delve deep into ourselves and the Creator. The two are inseparable.

On an important side note I hope all you guys had a good Christmas. I guess I still hope you’re having a good Christmas since the Church Christmas season hasn’t finished yet.