Last Thursday, after walking halfway home in a below 20 weather, my hands were numb, my heart raced a mile a minute and I started to black out. I ended up having to call 911 on myself. Crazy!! At the end of it all, including the paremedics persuading me to go to the emergency, there were a few answers as to why it happened. I thought it was hypothermia. Another reason was from my friends, strangers, and my building manager labelling it as an "anxiety attack". The doctor said it was some kind of nervous system failure. Regardless of what it was I learnt a few things about what I wanted in my life, and I guess what life can be like at times.
First of, I do believe if I was not in my current situation this might have been avoided. A couple months ago I was battling a very bad depression that made me feel suicidal at one point. I went back to see my counsellor and that has helped tremendously. Also, my time management skills have been so much better, I have been able to get all the nitty gritty jobs at home done. Aside from that I started to apply to school, knowing full well that I had finally made a decision.
So with all this good stuff happening I was very proud of myself and for the first time I really started to understand the true nature of having self-love and worth. It's funny how even though we do believe we have good self-esteem there are things in our daily lives that do beg to differ, and we do not easily tun in to them.
But (and yes a huge BUT here) I was battling something that was toxic. I needed to get out of this situation and the people surrounding this situation. Many times I had started making excuses for people. It started to occur to me how crazy it really was, when everyday I went home being obsessed with this situation. My best friend can tell you, "Yes, Rose talks about how this drives her insane all the time!"
Ironically enough it was the smallest thing that really unravelled me. On that cold Thursday afternoon, something inside me clicked. It shocked me at first. The busyness of the day made me push it to the side. Deep inside I knew I had known it all along, and had made this choice a long time before. I knew I could not be around toxicity. I could not be around where my dreams where being questioned, and my way of connecting was not treasured, nonetheless realized.
In order to begin again, I had to rebuild myself. My heart is truly broken from all of this running around with no achievement. I am exhausted from the lies, and the false pretence of excitement. I stopped caring about things that I normally cared about, because I did not want to care and have my efforts worthless, just because someone has a better idea of how to handle situations.
Basically, I was stuck. On that Thursday afternoon, I knew I had to cut some ties loose. Yet it wasn't until the Friday evening that I was driven into a state of frenzy. The frenzy then escalated to a crazy dance of emails (a crazy dance that I had been doing every Sunday until midnight, just to wake up on Monday starting the week in fatigue), and finally went off with a swan song on Monday.
So today, I still feel heart-broken. Like all broken hearts this will mend itself in time. There will be a few letters written, though, to give me a peace of mind. Letting go is terribly hard. It's almost like by forcing myself not to let go, I believe that I will remember and not forget. Now though (with all the past grudges I have held) I know I need to let go, not only for a healthy-heart, but to move on and be free.
In the hospital I learned a few things too . . . I'm going to finish that up in part 2.
Images - Blizzard picture from http://www.buffalonews.com/opinion/buffalo-news-editorials/pummeling-by-blizzard-is-a-demonstration-of-natures-awesome-fury-20140108
-Fainting picture from http://www.firstaidreference.com/fist-aid-fainting-dizziness/154/